Satire | Epiphanies on January 20, when Donald Trump took oath as the 47th president of the U.S.

‘Trump stopped the fighting in Gaza even before taking office.’
| Photo Credit: Illustration: Sreejith R. Kumar

My plan for 2025 is to start a new career as a mediator. I would go around mediating wherever I see conflict. For my sustained contributions to conflict-resolution, I would be awarded the Nobel Peace Prize, which I would refuse — because I am not doing it for personal glory but to make the world great again.

For example, there are lots of dogs near my place. They keep having loud arguments over who is the top dog, who is the underdog, and who is the hot dog. Sometimes things get physical — just like with humans. But the next time I see a bunch of them fighting and overturning flower pots or something, I would mediate. If they don’t listen to me, I would pick up a hose and spray water on them until they stop fighting.

Or, if I see two cows fighting on the road, I would remind them of their public image as non-violent creatures, point to their exalted status as gods, and what kind of example they are setting for their human devotees. But I would not physically intervene because what if one of the cows suffers a brain haemorrhage and I get beaten up for it? You see what I mean? Mediating is not an easy job — it requires talent, smarts, and an aptitude for deal-making.

This column is a satirical take on life and society.

I won’t stop with cows though. If a married couple were to follow the bad example of the cows and start fighting and demanding divorce, I would immediately mediate. I would draw their attention to the sanctity of marriage in our ancient culture and tell them both to drop it. In return, I will allow them to pay me not more than 30,000 bucks each plus 18% GST.

Building a brand identity

The idea is to start small, with petty disputes. Once I have built my brand identity as a mediator — which I intend to do by sharing my learnings on LinkedIn — I will gradually work my way up until I become the go-to option for mediating geo-political conflicts. If all goes well at this level, I can set up a successful practice mediating inter-planetary and/or inter-galactic conflicts.

My friends are asking: why this sudden switch to mediation? Am I not happy doing journalism? Much as I love journalism, it is not enough. I don’t mean this financially, though it does pay peanuts. What really bothers me is the lack of impact.

It all began with an epiphany I had on January 20: a journalist can only report on a conflict, but a mediator can resolve it. Two hours later, I had a second epiphany: conflicts are growing all over the world. And then, I had one last and final epiphany: why not turn conflict into an opportunity to make money? That’s when I knew I must become a mediator.

I may have mentioned money, but I want to clarify that my pivot to mediation is not motivated by a desire to make tonnes of money and retire to a seaside mansion in the Bahamas. I will offer my services for free. But I wouldn’t kick up a fuss if the beneficiaries of my mediation, out of overwhelming gratitude, insisted on buying me a seaside mansion in the Bahamas, or nominated me for the Peace Nobel.

Making myself great again

The biggest factor behind my venture into conflict resolution is, believe it or not, a person. I hope he won’t feel embarrassed if I thank him publicly for inspiring me to make myself great again — yes, it’s Donald Trump. All these intellectuals writing about the worldwide impact of a second Trump presidency have completely missed his impact on ordinary people like me and you. What an amazing example, and sample, of mankind! He stopped the fighting in Gaza even before taking office. Now he’s going to stop World War III in Ukraine. How can anyone not be inspired by his ability to make deals and promote peace?

By the way, after I have resolved hundreds of conflicts, if the Nobel Committee still remains unmoved, here’s what I would do. I’d tell them they won’t have to actually give me the Nobel, or see me holding it, because I only want the publicity for my mediation practice, not the prize itself. I’d tell them, here’s the deal: how about you offer it to me first, I refuse it, and then you give it to Netanyahu or whoever you were planning on giving it to anyway? It’s a win-win. Something tells me they’ll take it.

The author of this satire, is Social Affairs Editor, The Hindu.

sampath.g@thehindu.co.in